I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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