I accidentally had phone sex last night
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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