i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize