I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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