I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
