We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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