Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
