Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this just has baby written all over it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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