My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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