Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
