I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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