You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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