Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize