Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
