cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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