You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
