we have pet lesbian snakes
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
