Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
