We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
