I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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