I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
