Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
