she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize