peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
NoShamevember. You game?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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