I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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