Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
