another moral hangover. fuck.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My ass is underappreciated
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
