i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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