Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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