i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
