btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
