38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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