My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
