Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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