my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
