Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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