Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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