I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
