i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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