i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
