Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
