So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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