I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
