i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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