Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And then he peed in my hair
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