I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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