im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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