hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
