We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize