Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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