I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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