I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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