So drunk its hurt
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
