When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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