SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
