Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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