I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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