I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
