I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
