So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
