put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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