Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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