Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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