You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
